Since I retired mid June, I’ve visited my children in faraway places. I went to my first major league soccer game in Philadelphia, took my first trip through IKEA, saw the Fourth of July fireworks in Rehoboth Beach, Delaware and enjoyed the stares, as my son walked around his new Philadelphia neighborhood wearing his clerical collar. I climbed a small mountain in a redwood forest in Oregon, drove up the Pacific Coast Highway, where the mountains meet the ocean, sipped my way through Willamette Valley wineries with views that would make Napa jealous, and dwelt among my daughter’s 5 roommates.

That’s all I wanted to do, really. So, now what?

It’s almost  time for the school year to start and my phone should be ringing with questions and dilemmas that need to be ironed out before the first day.

Let me make myself perfectly clear. I am not complaining. I just haven’t figured out what to do with myself yet.

I am taking a highly unscientific poll. Please use the comment section below as a suggestion box. The only rule is that it can’t be a high dollar event. If I had high dollars, I would already be doing those things. Let’s see what I get. Be as creative as you’d like.  Just what would you do if you suddenly had nowhere to be?

I have come to the conclusion that the most powerful force on the planet is not the tide, or the elements, or the sun’s warmth. I believe it is family dysfunction. Yes. There. I said it.

Erosion, scorched earth, or a thousand McMansions in rows  don’t hold a candle to the world’s problems created by family dysfunction. I know what the good book says about the love of money, but what is the source of all of that greed? The real root of all evil is family dysfunction.

Can you tell that I saw “August: Osage County” this weekend? Don’t worry. I will not give away a thing.

Let’s just say that Tennessee Williams has turned a special shade of dark magnolia green over this one.

The trailer makes it seem like another hilarious movie about family problems. I think it was the most uncomfortable movie I have ever seen. Uncomfortable, as in, I felt like I was eavesdropping on a family’s most intense personal pain that I had no business knowing. I did nothing to deserve a place at their table, but it was humbling and in a perverse way, an honor to be there, as they each confided in me. While I sat in a row of seven girlfriends in that plush theater seat, they let me in on everything and then, I was complicit.

I feel the need to inject a qualifier here. My own childhood home was eerily void of conflict and craziness. I have to hand it to my parents. I don’t know how they did it, but Rome could have been burning and my parents spared my siblings and me from knowing. For that, I will always be awed and grateful. In my career, when I hear the stories of what is normal in some children’s lives, I pay mental homage to my Mama and Daddy and their success in keeping me oblivious to evil as long as they could.

The most illogical thing I can imagine is being mean, vicious and striking out to hurt the people in your life that you should love. But there’s the adage that people buy into wholeheartedly about hurting the ones you love the most. I am calling major BS alert on that one.

Sometimes crazy is the natural and normal response to unnatural and abnormal circumstances.

Let that one sink into your consciousness for a minute. I wish I could claim that line as my own, but it was a “someone once said” Facebook response to a friend’s post about, you guessed it. Family dysfunction.

Meryl Streep has been nominated for a Golden Globe by the Hollywood Foreign Press Association for Best Actress. I predict she will win. Among an impeccably selected cast, hers was the most impressive performance that I have ever seen in my lifetime. Nothing comes close to her portrayal of Violet Weston. How Hollywood can categorize this movie as a comedy gives some scary perspective into their collective psyche.

So, as  human nature would have it, I am dying to see this movie again.

How to Survive

The truth about most dilemmas in life, and God knows I have found myself immersed in a few, always boils down to an amazing reduction, based on the finest ingredients that Mother Earth can produce. I use the term “dilemma” loosely to cover a spectrum that goes from annoyance to disaster. The way to muddle through the bumps or sledgehammers of life is not (although these can be quite entertaining) money, pharma, libation, sex, shopping, food, exercise, religion, or add your personal method of coping here if I didn’t cover yours. I am talking G-I-R-L-F-R-I-E-N-D-S, people!

Seems self-explanatory, right? Not exactly, because I have to include gay men. I am a girl and they are my friends.  So for the sake of accurate referencing, they are included when the word girlfriend or any other semanticism is tossed about. (I don’t think that’s a real word, semanticism, but I LOVE it!)

Who you turn to when s%&t happens is just as important as who is going to call you when her s%&t happens.

I know what my Southern contemporaries are thinking.  If you were raised in the church every time the doors were flung open, you’re thinking, “What about Jesus?” right?  Well, even though He performs miracles, like changing water into wine, I don’t have His cell phone number or email address, so that disqualifies Him and His Daddy from this discussion. They have their job and this isn’t it. They can’t give me a ride home when I should not have had that last cocktail or help me decorate. Yes, I am a mixture of Heathen and Christian. I mean, let’s just think for a minute who Jesus chose to hang out with. They weren’t exactly on the list of who’s who for stellar behavior! And neither are my girlfriends!

Thank goodness!

The best people in the world are hopelessly flawed individuals who accept hopeless flaws as humanity at its finest.

I think a few of us spent a hot fifteen minutes of our lives trying to decorate like Martha Stewart, parent like the Huxtables, cook like Julia Child, save the world like Mother Teresa, sing like Madonna, look like Marilyn Monroe, be as informed as Oprah and stand by her man like Hillary Clinton.  There is a reason that illusion and delusion sound so much alike.

We ladies are perfectly imperfect. Girlfriends can go off the deep end and it doesn’t scare us. We throw a flotation device like a girl and if that doesn’t work, we jump right in.  If one if us looks awful on a bad day, we share our lipstick. If one of us falls to pieces, we bring a broom. You get the picture.

If you are lucky enough to have a covey of girlfriends, you are lucky enough.

I would like to wish Girlfriends all over the world, a complete holiday season that is free of drama, fisticuffs, blackouts, nervous breakdowns and law enforcement! But if you find yourself in a pickle, you have my number!

Peace on Earth!!

The Difference Between Baggage and Luggage

Someone once described forgiveness to me like this.

“You wake up every day, get up and go out into the world. If you are suffering because of the acts of others, then you have to pick up those bags, full of all of those burdens, and carry them around with you all day long, every step of the way. The bigger the hurt, the heavier the bags. Then as the bags become lighter, you are beginning to forgive. Then one day, you feel as light as a feather and that is when you have learned to forgive.”

I have always loved this analogy. Whether forgiveness is a conscious act or just the passage of time that, as the cliché says, heals all wounds, it is all about one’s ability to just say no to bitterness and becoming a jaded old, hateful hag.

That’s a great description of baggage!

Then there’s luggage!!!

I love luggage. Whether I need any or not, the luggage aisle always makes me happy. Luggage is generally packed full of excitement, anticipation and the promise of something new and fun. For someone who was born with a heavy dose of wanderlust, the thought of exploring new places and reveling in the colors of the culture, smells of the cuisine, the sounds of the people, and the smiles on their faces, a suitcase is my favorite enabling object of desire.

I can still see a plane and it’s contrails on a blue sky day and wonder where it’s going. I imagine it being a fabulous place, although it could have a lousy destination. What good is a fantasy, if you are going to end up dealing in reality, right? It’s just a child’s game I used to play in my head, long before anyone traveled to faraway places. I find myself so full of wonderment about our planet, without borders, like the astronauts see. My exhilaration of packing to go somewhere is compounded by my neurosis of all of the things that can go wrong while traveling, which I will not mention, because none are good and none have ever come to fruition. That’s why we call it neurosis.  I own my crazy and make no apologies for it. For me, it’s a part of the process of packing and I have to wrestle with that voice that brings all that negativity. Wanderlust always wins and as soon as I am in the car or at the airport, my neurosis has dissipated like a fog burned off by the light.

That’s why I love luggage!!

Baggage and luggage have basically the same definition, but the connotations are vastly different. They are two sides of the same coin. One for traveling and one for moving on. Both have their place.

I had an epiphany at a stoplight this week. It was a shock and a surprise to realize that I had not given any thought or consideration to the baggage I had been dragging around with me for a while. I had not been “thinking” about situations that brought me sadness. I was just getting up and going through life without picking up the bags. They are just not there any longer.

Now, it’s time for some luggage!!

Happy Guy Fawkes Day Y’all!!!

The Roman Catholic Church has a one man band that’s steamrollin’ and leaving no issue untouched. Pope Francis!! This guy is killin’ it!!!

On his first day, he rode the bus instead of using a personal driver. He refuses to live in the Papal residency because he’s just not cool with its pimped out lavishness. Then he said, “If someone is gay and he searches for the Lord and has good will, who am I to judge? They shouldn’t be marginalized.” He wants to advocate for a larger role for women in the Catholic Church. He’s discussing closing the Vatican Bank or making it an ethical bank that feeds the hungry and helps the poor. Then he ousted the Bishop of Bling for his opulence and is turning Bling’s $42,000,000 home into a soup kitchen. There is discussion of priests being able to marry.

Now he’s sending out a survey to find out how folks feel about these things as well as divorce, same-sex marriage, marrying non-believers and adoption within same sex couples. On Guy Fawkes Day, no less.

Praise the Lord and Pass the Holy Water! He even has a perfect sense of comedic timing!!!!

Remember, remember, the 5th of November

The Gunpowder Treason and plot ;

I know of no reason why Gunpowder Treason

Should ever be forgot.

Guy Fawkes, Guy Fawkes,

‘Twas his intent.

To blow up the King and the Parliament.

Three score barrels of powder below.

Poor old England to overthrow.

By God’s providence he was catch’d,

With a dark lantern and burning match

Holloa boys, Holloa boys, let the bells ring

Holloa boys, Holloa boys, God save the King!

Hip hip Hoorah !

Hip hip Hoorah !

I left out the part about burning the Pope in effigy because I like this Pope and George Washington put a stop to that years ago!

So, what is one to make of this new-fangled Pope and his Modern Family ideas? I don’t know, but with him being infallible, no one can argue with any of it.

Holloa Boys!! Holloa Boys!!

Hip hip Hooray!!!

Hip Hip Hooray!!!

Dear Lara,

One of your long-time family friends said the kindest thing about you and your family at the rehearsal dinner. This is pretty much a quote, “I have not known Daniel long at all, but I have known this family for a very long time. I am here to tell you, that as families go, he has hit the jackpot marrying into this bunch.”

To which I replied without missing a beat, “Well, that is awesome for him, but I am afraid that we are all quite dysfunctional.”

What else could I say? With so many ex this and that in the room, not to mention those who refused to come, then throw my crazy friends in there, I should have provided your side of the family with a flow chart to keep it all straight.

Your friend and I had a good laugh about it because it was a joyous time and, well there was just no room for negativity during that weekend. The song that Daniel used to sing all the time as he rode in his car seat in that burgundy Dodge Caravan “This Little Light of Mine” springs to mind. There was no bushel basket, or devil, or six days of pouring rain, or anything that could blow out the little light that showed up to shine throughout your wedding weekend.

Owning up is very different from negativity. When something is what it is….then it just is and I’m too old for pretense.

So, I am here to say, “Welcome to the Family!!!”

Now that you are one of us, I am here to provide you with a list of my newly made up self-imposed mother-in-law rules.

1. I will always love you both.
2. I am really looking forward to babysitting someday. The two of you can go away for months at the time and we’ll be just fine. Just give me a little notice.
3. You have my permission to whack my son upside the head if he needs it. Figuratively speaking, of course, because we don’t need anyone in the family in jail. Let me know if you need backup. No matter how wonderful he is right now, there will be a day when you want to whack him and that is a perfectly reasonable emotion.
4. Even though it does not come naturally, I will try not to meddle. Well, that’s not true. I probably will try to meddle. But, let’s make a deal. If I am meddling, you can say, “Stop meddling” and then we can laugh about it. I want you to practice right now, saying it out loud, so you can hear yourself. “Stop Meddling!” Now laugh. There, see, it wasn’t that hard. Only then, will I know what you actually mean. If you do the opposite of my meddling advice, I will not understand that you were trying to give me a sign.
5. Please feel free to give me a whack upside the head if I need it. My son better back you up, or then you will have two people to whack and that usually doesn’t go well.
6. I will really try….and this one will be hard, not to guilt trip you both for stuff. You know what I mean. “You’re only coming for one night?” with all kinds of guilt laden inflections heard in my tone. I’ll try to hold it down, at least the inflections.
7. I will only try once to get you to take the things I want you to have, but you don’t want. That old piece of my grandmother’s furniture that you really don’t want, just say the word and I won’t insist that you take it.
8. I will try not to judge, period. As if……Ha! Ha!
9. I will love your family, since Daniel has, in fact, hit the jackpot.
10. I will always love you both!

You new Mother-in-Law,

Rhonda

Today I was driving on a country road and I passed an honest to God, old-timey hardware store that had this bird, or one just like it, stuck in the ground out front. So, hear my wheels squealing to turn into the parking lot. I walked in and said to the two nice ladies at the cash register, “I want that white crane that you have out front!”

“You mean the egret?”

“Well, whatever. It looks like a crane, don’t you think?”

“It certainly can be if you need a crane.”

“I need a crane!”

She looked at me as if I had escaped from solitary confinement. “If you need for it to be a crane, then it’s a crane!

I paid for my new best friend and left with my  ”crane” that may actually be an egret, but who cares. I am no ornithologist and I have not been this excited about a purchase in…well, I am not sure when.

I am imagining the possibilities!!!!

So, after work, I went to a fundraiser for Hospice which was a shrimp boil with bluegrass and beer. I took my crane to show my friends and on the way in, I ran into this guy, who immediately asked, “What in the world are you doing with that bird?”

He was wearing an “ANDREWS” shirt, written in a lovely script. In Wilmington, NC , there is no explanation necessary for what Andrews means. It is the Mortuary. It’s right beside St. Paul’s Episcopal Church, which is unofficially known as St.  Paul’s by the Mortuary. The brand “Andrews” is unmistakable. They have buried generations of Wilmingtonians for ages and ages.. In a city that is old enough for General Cornwallis to have set up his headquarters, history is of utmost importance and “Andrews” has been there to witness a whole lot of history.

The man from “Andrews”,  was genuinely excited about my “crane”.

Mortuary people are my people. I was the undertaker’s daughter and there is a whole bunch of crazy wrapped up in that, let me tell you!!! I tried to explain to the mortician, about my affection for cranes and what they symbolize and that I have a humorous blog named “The Paper Craner”. He came along for the ride. Funeral people can play to any crowd, regardless of  politics, religion, socio-economic status, etc because they are in an equal opportunity burial business. So a crazy old lady walking around carrying a crane to a fundraiser is perfectly within normal limits. There we were, kindred funeral people spirits, happening upon each other for a quick conversation and a photo op. And we were all there to enjoy the shrimp, bluegrass and beer

Ok, is it just me, or is anyone else picking up on the fact that there were people at the Hospice fundraiser wearing “Andrews” shirts? This is what happens when you are raised in a funeral home. You see the world with this kind of slant. Yes, that’s me…slanted, alright!!

I just didn’t get it! I’m referring to zombies and America’s fascination with them.

I recently posed the question to some young people who have their finger on the pulse of those kinds of things. While they conversed about the new season premiere of “The Walking Dead”, I couldn’t imagine the appeal.

Me: What is the deal with all the zombie crap? Why can you put them in any movie or a book and people flock to it like something being sucked into a black hole?

Young Person: It’s total social commentary. It’s related to how people feel about things.

Me: What things?

Young Person: Fear of government, terrorism, the economy, disease, consumerism.

Me: Ahhhhhh! (see light bulb slowly brighten, but at a low wattage) So, what does all of this mean?

There is actually an English professor zombie scholar at Clemson University. How would you like to be THAT person? The good thing about her job is that she gets as much information from her hairdresser as she does a colleague at Yale. Probably more.

To quote the expert, Sarah Juliet Lauro, a beautiful lady, who looks amazingly normal, “The terror of the zombie was that you’d be attacked and consumed by one. But now people really seem to find catharsis in this survivalist narrative. Would I be able to survive a civilization-ending catastrophe?”.

So…….now I understand.  It’s just thinly veiled fear of not being in control, an age old story, just told by a cast of the undead.

And it also brings one to the logical conclusion of why we are also becoming a nation of Apocalyptic Preppers!  It’s simply a fear of metaphorical Zombies!!!

It’s a whole new vicious cycle.

Just for pure fun, I’ll be at the zombie apocalypse walk on the waterfront this afternoon. One needs to bring canned goods for the food bank. Go figure!!

Read more: Zombie Scholar Quotes – Esquire

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